MOVIE REVIEW OF ”BREACH”

Counting “Twelve Monkeys” (1995), “The Fifth Element” (1997), “Armageddon” (1998), “Surrogates” (2009), and “Looper” (2012), “Die Hard” superstar actor Bruce Willis has starred in five substantial sci-fi sagas during his forty something year career.

Now, imagine the classic creature chiller “Alien” (1979) mashed up with the Chris Pratt & Jennifer Lawrence weeper “Passengers”(2016), about colonists in transit to a new planet, and you’ve got the gist of director John Suit’s “Breach” (** OUT OF ****), featuring Willis as a space janitor who wields a flame thrower and barbecues zombies.

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This cheesy, low-budget, 92-minute, R-rated, sci-fi chiller, like so many of Willis’s recent wonders, qualifies as a shameless B-movie! The tacky special effects, the plywood looking ship interiors, and the goofy gargantuan monster remind you constantly to maintain low expectations.

Thoroughly average from fade-in to fadeout, “Breach” never tries to be more than ordinary, though the filmmakers strike the right balance between humor and hysterics. If you prefer snooty Christopher Nolan sci-fi fare, don’t beam on board this bargain basement bedpan.

Gorehounds will savor some blood-splattered moments of tragedy, while Bruce Willis may amuse mainstream audiences as a cantankerous space janitor in coveralls. Just wait until the final quarter hour when a howling monstrosity that defies description goes on a rampage throughout the Hercules, and you’ll cringe with laughter.

Mind you, the seasoned cast keeps us sufficiently distracted throughout enough of “Breach” that this preposterous pabulum seems tolerable. Timothy V. Murphy oozes villainy as a trigger-happy, power-hungry officer left in charge during the voyage.

Presumably, “Breach” may have attracted Willis because he hasn’t made a sci-fi saga since “Looper.” Although “Breach” sticks to surefire shenanigans and serves up clichés galore, Willis probably enjoyed making the movie during its three-week production phase at TMG Studios in Fitzgerald, Georgia.

The premise of scenarists Edward Drake & Corey Large’s predictable screenplay had some promise. By the year 2242, a devastating plague has deepened an environmental disaster and doomed Planet Earth to extinction. Mankind has begun to abandon Mother Earth. Forty-one space shuttles have evacuated only those fortunate enough to afford passage to an Eden-like planet christened ‘New Earth.’

Basically, Drake & Large have forged a fair pastiche of “Alien,” with a subplot about a maniacal security guard knowingly who smuggles a lethal parasite on board. Meantime, those who have embarked on the last shuttle from Earth face a six-month journey to the stars. They know nothing about the suicidal crewman.

Most of the time they’ll be asleep in cryostasis, like Chris Pratt & Jennifer Lawrence were in “Passengers.” This particular shuttle accommodates 300-thousand souls, and the story chronicles the efforts of the final few who were cleared to board.

Showing up at the last minute is Hayley (Kassandra Clementi of “Big Muddy”), the daughter of Admiral Kiernan Adams (Thomas Jane of “Deep Blue Sea”), who commands the U.S.S. Hercules. Hayley has arranged things so her lover, Noah (Cody Kearsley of TV’s “Riverdale”), who knocked her up, can stow away as a member of the janitorial crew.

Ironically, Hayley and he will spend the entire flight apart. She will remain confined in a cryostasis pod, while he will masquerade as a custodian swamping out toilets.

Noah answers to Clay (Bruce Willis), the janitorial supervisor, who nurses a flask when he isn’t cooking up moonshine with various fluids. During their starry trek, Admiral Adams has entrusted the helm to a ramrod tough officer, Commander Stanley (Timothy V. Murphy of “MacGruber”), that everybody on board abhors.

Meantime, the one member of shipboard security you’d least suspect of terrorism brought the beastie aboard. The parasite takes refuge in a bottle of beer that one of the mechanics, Shady (Johann Urb of “Resident Evil: Retribution”), guzzles without a second thought.

No sooner has he slugged back those suds than Shady’s entire body vanishes in a bloody explosion before a colleague’s disbelieving eyes. Terror spreads rapidly as the alien parasite infects crew. Literally, dead crew people arise and feast on the living. Our heroes riddle them with ammo galore, shooting these monstrous fiends full of lead, but to little avail. Not only does the parasite kill them, but it also reanimates them after death and turns them into far stronger adversaries.

Literally, these fiends can rip the throats out of their unfortunate victims with their teeth as easily as you can chew gum. Stanley has a hard time learning that bullets are virtually useless against these ravenous zombies. He empties his assault weapon into one reanimated colleague, but the thing absorbs all of the lead with no ill-effects. Afterward, this pugnacious zombie slams its white-knuckled fist through Stanley’s stomach and out of his back!

Bloodthirsty scenes like this along with some profanity garnered “Breach” its R-rating. Stanley joins the ranks of the undead, while Clay, Noah, and the surviving few crew wage a losing battle.

“Pandemic” director John Suits struggles to imitate “Alien,” but shoe-string special effects undermine his every effort. The gloomy interiors of the cavernous Hercules spaceship look appropriately atmospheric, and its maze of corridors gives places for characters and monsters alike to hide.

Sadly, Suits has trouble conjuring up anything like genuine suspense in this by-the-numbers space opera. Shock moments seem to be Suits’ specialty. The sturdy cast maintain straight faces throughout this harmless hokum. Dialogue is often expository in content, with nary a quotable line until Clay watches as the severed body parts of slain crewmen randomly mash themselves into a hodgepodge beast in a homage to the satirical serial killer chiller “Frankenhooker” (1990).

You’ll remember the line since the F-bomb figures prominently in it. “Breach” wraps up with an ironic ending when our lovebirds land on ‘New Earth’ and have the surprise of their lives. Thomas Jane steals the show at the last minute when he blows himself to pieces to destroy the parasite. Bruce Willis settles for second billing and lets a bland Cody Kearsley take top honors as the hero. Altogether, “Breach” amounts to more of a screech than a peach.

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