TED 2 // LIFE

TED 2 // LIFE

The last thing Hollywood wants to do is to either insult or offend individuals, groups, races, religions, causes, genders, and ideologies. The refreshing thing about the hilarious teddy bear satire “Ted” and its unapologetic sequel “Ted 2” is that neither cherish such compunctions. Seth MacFarlane, who co-scripted, directed, and provided the voice of the titular teddy with a potty mouth, spends most of the 115 minutes of “Ted 2” saying and showing subject matter that most respectable people would think twice about before either saying or showing. The highly questionable humor either will make you cringe in horrific revulsion or howl in gleeful rapture. If you enjoyed “Ted” for its cretinous characters, lowest common denominator humor, blatant drug use, and odious profanity, you’ll crave this surprising high-brow sequel. Politically correct conformists with starched collars should probably steer clear of it. The worst thing about “Ted 2” is that it is pretentious from fade-in to fade out. Clearly, MacFarlane and his “Family Guy” co-scribes Alec and Wellesley Wild sought to overshadow their lowbrow original, and they have succeeded in this sense. This inflammatory farce skewers the most sacred of social issues: what makes somebody or something qualify legally as a person? Ted’s status as a human being is scrutinized in “Ted 2,” so this isn’t your run-of-the-mill comedy. This issue often arises in science fiction sagas, such as “A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)” where an 11-year old robotic boy longed to become ‘real.’ Similarly, the Robin Williams robot in “Bicentennial Man” (1999) acquires sentience and struggles to be accepted as a person, too. If such lofty ambitions weren’t enough, “Ted 2” not only displays a greater goal in its subject matter but also in its spectacle. The elaborate song & dance choreography that opens “Ted 2” after our eponymous protagonist ties the knot with his goofy girlfriend shows guys and gals cavorting around a gigantic wedding cake and stomping across a huge dance floor with diminutive Ted. If you haven’t seen “Ted,” then you probably won’t appreciate half of the hilarity. During a thunderstorm, young Johnny Bennett clutched his Hasbro teddy and made a wish that it would come to life. Ted did! Consequently, Ted and Johnny became “thunder buddies for life.”
Virtually everybody in “Ted” reprises their roles, except Mila Kunis who didn’t return as Lori because she was pregnant during the production with Ashton Kutcher’s baby. MacFarlane and his co-scribes explain that John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg of “Contraband”) and she have been divorced for six months at the outset of the action. A dejected John is petrified of getting himself involved in another relationship. Meanwhile, Ted and Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth of “Next”) marry, but their marriage degenerates into a disaster. They argue about finances, throw things, and Ted cusses out the neighbors. At the supermarket where Ted works as a cashier, a cashier advises him that the best way to restore a marriage is to have a baby. Tami-Lynn breaks her angry vow of silence with Ted, and they celebrate their momentous decision.
Sadly, neither are prepared for the obstacle course of trials and tribulations that ensue. Since the toy company Hasbro didn’t endow Ted with sex organs, our hero must search for the ideal sperm donor. They approach Flash (Sam J. Jones), but he complains about his low sperm count. John suggests Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Now, things get really bizarre. John and Ted sabotage Brady’s air conditioner so he has to sleep with his bedroom windows open. These two nitwits set out to obtain a sperm sample from Brady while he is asleep! Ted decks himself out like a seafaring fisherman for the occasion, and John is appalled to learn that he must masturbate Brady. Fortunately, for everybody involved, Brady awakens and throws them out. Johnny offers to help Ted, and they enter a fertility clinic. A comedy of errors occurs while they are at the clinic. Accidentally, John tips over a storage bin of sperm samples and winds up swamped in sperm. Nevertheless, everything goes awry when Tammy-Lynn’s physician informs her that she devastated her reproductive system abusing narcotics. Ultimately, Ted learns the State of Massachusetts no longer recognizes his status as a person so they cannot adopt a child. Furthermore, the court has invalidated their marriage. Ted and John seek legal representation. The best they can afford is 26-year old Samantha Leslie Jackson (Amanda Seyfried of “Les Misérables”), a freshman attorney who smokes a bong to counteract the ill effects of migraines. Predictably, since Ted and John are still getting wasted, several scenes of euphoric pot-smoking ensue.
Just when everything appears to be working out favorably for our heroes, the villainous Donnie from “Ted” surfaces. Donnie (Giovanni Ribisi) works as a janitor now at Hasbro. He interrupts Hasbro executive Tom Jessup (John Carroll Lynch of “Zodiac”) during a hallway conference and tells him that he doesn’t flip the cakes in his urinal. Instead, he replaces them. Later, Donnie has a moment with Jessup in his office because Hasbro has an open-door policy with its employees. Donnie tells Jessup if the prosecution can prove that Ted is actually property rather than a person, they can abduct him, slice him open, and fathom what makes Ted so singular. Jessup’s eyes gleam at the prospect of eviscerating Ted so Hasbro can manufacture a new teddy that will sell millions. Mind you, Ted still looks as adorable as he did in first film. You never get the impression that the cast was interacting with nothing when the CGI Ted was on-screen with them. Although the sight gags are amusing, this gross-out comedy serves up some pretty audacious shennanigans. Indeed, if vulgar humor poses no problems, “Ted 2” is right for you.